As I write this, I sit across the waterway, gazing upon the very last spot where we had family photos taken. Memories come flooding back. I remember taking photos on the stairs to my left first. Then we moved to the bridge in front of me. And ended at the big tree and park bench to my right. (pictured above) The smiles, the laughs, the love.
So much of me wants to go back to that day and tell past me to soak it in. Don’t rush it or get annoyed. This is a memory in the making. One of the last ones you will have as a family. Embrace the joy.
That was late September. Just 6 1/2 months later our world would shatter. The joy, laughter, smiles, and light in our faces would end. A huge part of us was gone. There was no going back.
I look back on photos and videos from before Rick’s passing and it hurts my momma’s heart. The girls were so happy. So innocent. So care free. In an instant their childhood was ruined. The reality of the world we live in stripped away their innocence and joy. Their dad, whom they loved oh so very much, was gone. In Heaven. They were left with sadness and grief. Oh how I wish I could go back to that day. How I wish I could bring the joy and innocence back to them.
It also hurts my widow’s heart. I want to go back to that day and bask in the love, care, and attention Rick gave to me. To memorize every line on his face as he laughed and smiled. To soak in every word he was saying, paying close attention to tone, dialect, and word formation. To how his face would light up as he was talking. To the love in his eyes as he would look at me. Oh how I wish I could go back……
As I sit here watching the sights, listening to the sounds, reflecting, I start wondering what God is doing in this moment. Why did He bring me back here? Why give me the time to sit and reflect? What is He trying to tell me in this memory?
While doing a session of Lectio Divina on this spiritual retreat (that brought me here), I opened to Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. This passage talks about time.
For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
2 A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
There is a time to be born and a time to die. A time to heal. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to mend. A time to love.
God brought me back here to help me remember time. As much as I want to go back to a happier time, I can’t. That time is over. I can, though, embrace the time I to heal. I’ve had time to grieve. I will always be in this time. Grief will never leave me this side of Heaven. There will always be some way I am missing Rick. In that, I will always be in the time to mend. (As I grieve) Each piece I grieve mends my broken heart just a little. As it mends, I find times of laugher and dancing. Of love.
I will never know a love like Rick’s. He literally saw me at my worst and brought me to my best. He loved me despite of , and through, my flaws. I am a better person because of him. I know no one will ever take his place or replace what he was to me. But, one day, I will know love again.
I think God brought me here to remind me of that. To remind me that everything has it’s place and time. And in time, that joy, happiness, laughter, innocence, and love that my heart is missing will return. Until then, I need to trust in His timing, resting in the season I’m in. Healing takes time and God has all the details. I just need to trust that He is preparing the next chapter for me.
“And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” John 1:4 ESV
“Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:8 NLT
“He has made everything beautiful in its time.” Ecclesiastes 3:11a ESV
“But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.” 2 Peter 3:8 ESV
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5
“The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.” Psalm 28:7 NIV
Perspective for the Moment 