I met someone this month who lost their spouse recently. While I was able to talk with them about things, our time was limited and full of distractions. I would have loved to ask them more.
I only know my experience, and how I handled it. Is it the same for everyone? How do others grieve, process, and heal? Are all the experiences the same?
Here are a couple of things that I would ask them or would tell them about this journey they are on…
1.) Have they reached the point where it seems like they are forgotten? The first little bit after losing someone, there is a buzz about you. People check in, send meals, and prayers, and are generally present. Then there comes a day when all that stops. Life seemingly goes on for the rest of the world, but you are there, still sitting in your grief, trying to figure out how to piece life together without the person; figuring out your new normal.
2.) The grief fog is real, and is okay. Your body, mind, and soul just had a jarring loss. It is in survival mode, and sometimes it chooses health and wellness over brain power. How long this lasts is depending on the situation. I was in a dense brain fog for a good year before it started lifting, and even now, 5 years later, there are still times when I struggle to find words or process things. Just give yourself space and grace in these times.
3.) Random things will trigger grief at unknown times. For a friend, it was the grocery store that triggered crying over the loss of her mom; another friend, it was seeing their spouses favorite cereal in the pantry; for me, it’s little moments of parenting two girls. Grief is not linear. I’ve said that before. It’s more like waves. Some are small and you are able to wade through them. Some are big, and knock you off your board. You just have to keep going, and getting on the board, ready for the next wave. (See my post on how I compare it to a roller coaster here)
4.) Are you allowing yourself space and grace to grieve? When I lost Rick, it was right in the midst of covid. We were 2 weeks into shutdown when he died, so I couldn’t really do much. All I could do is be home, in his memory, and in the memory of the events of that day. There were many days I spent time crying on the floor of my closet (or in the shower) until I physically couldn’t anymore. His celebration of life services were also delayed due to things being shut down, which meant I had months to prepare for them. I went through photos of him to put together videos for the services. This was hard, but also healing. It allowed me time to remember him and his personality, and to be thankful for the time that we did get to spend together. Each situation is different, but the result is still the same. We need to allow ourselves time to grieve and feel the loss, then give ourselves grace as we go through life having to adjust without them.
5.) Even though it may feel like it at times, you are NOT alone in your grief. There are people who are by your side through it. Some may understand the loss of someone close, others don’t; but they are still there. We need these people to lift us up, check on us, and help us out. Who are your people?
Again, remember, even though every grief and loss story unfolds differently with different loss situations and healing circumstances, we are all the same in the fact that you have lost someone very near and dear to you. Someone that you couldn’t imagine doing life without, that now you have to figure out how to. Someone that made such an impact on you, and who you are today, that you are a different person because of them (and because of their loss). And you are not alone!
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
“So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.” John 16:22
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
You are not alone!!
Perspective for the Moment 