Am I Enough?

While reflecting on the last 5 years, and all the changes that losing my spouse brought, a few thoughts crossed my mind. I thought of all the things that have changed….which can be a dangerous path to go down for an ADHD brain…

First, I thought about how many people in my life currently actually knew Rick…it’s a sad amount. These are the people who I still talk to who could tell me stories about a time with him, or reminisce about who he was. In total, probably 10 – 15 people. That’s it. (And I work/go to church with most of them)

Then, I thought about who I was as a person. The person I was 5 years ago no longer exists, and will never exist again. Forever changed by the events of April 7, 2020. That version of me died along with Rick. Who I am now is a result of the last 5 years of grief, healing, and growing.

Then I thought about how the two intersect. The majority of people I encounter today never knew him, or an older version of me. They only know me, in the here and now. Some don’t get why I do or say things a certain way, or at all. Others, understand and give me the space to be the me I need to be in that moment.

The next series of thoughts is what got me, and why I’m writing this blog today. Then I got thinking about the people I know who I either know from pre Rick’s death and don’t talk to anymore, or I know now, but feel disconnected with. The thought of “Am I, by myself without Rick, good enough?”

Am I enough??

Let me explain my thoughts.

When it comes to those who I don’t talk to anymore – the thought crosses my mind that Rick was the reason they were friends with me. He definitely was the bigger personality. Don’t get me wrong there! I know that! He just had a charm about him, and a personality to match. I am more low key and quiet….reserved. But when friends stop talking to you after the loss of a spouse, you wonder, “What’s wrong with me that they don’t want to talk or hang out anymore?”

When it comes to the people I know now – Let me start with this. A lot of who I know are couples. I know I don’t have a male half to connect with the husband. I’m missing the other half of what it means to be a couple. But when I feel like people in couples seem to connect more than they seem to connect with me, it makes me feel like something about me isn’t good enough. That my personality isn’t enough to hold a good relationship with.

Can you see why I said earlier that it can be a dangerous path for my ADHD brain? Too many rabbit trails to go down, that, if not kept in check, it will!

Then I am reminded about what God says about me.

Psalm 139:14 reminds me that “I am fearfully and wonderfully made;  your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians‬ ‭2‬:‭10‬ ‭

“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden.” Matthew 5:14

Jeremiah reminds me “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you”.

These verses help remind me that I am made in Gods image and worthy of being known. And even when I don’t feel it, I AM known and loved.

I AM enough!