It’s been a while since I’ve wrote. Life trudged on, and got busy. Soccer season started, grief groups, work duties, appointments, and just the mundaneness of life. Next thing you know, soccer season is over, summer is approaching, and you are wondering “How in the world did we get here?”
Life soldiered on, somehow, without him. Something you weren’t sure about a year ago, happened. Life is moving forward, but the pain and loneliness remain. The numbness is wearing off to feeling again, but somehow still remains. You are caught between the hope of what’s to come, and the sadness of the memory of what was.
This is how I would describe starting year 2 without Rick. It has been my year 2 so far.
Life got busy, we got distracted, but we still missed him along the way. We have things to look forward to, but can’t help to look back and remember what is missing. We feel joy, pride and sadness all at once. And when it all just seems to be too much, we just shut down.
Take some time, a minute, an hour, a day, maybe. Grieve, re-gather, then carry on.
Through it all, one thing I can rely on, is that God is still there, carrying me through. He is giving me these joys and things to look forward to as a reminder of His goodness and love for me. And when my grief overtakes me, because of my love for Rick, He opens his arms, and holds and comforts me, for as long as I need it. He sends little notes from friends, nudges people to help me out, and sends them to care for me. And when I get too overwhelmed, He even sends someone my way, whom my story and journey has touched, as a reminder that He is still working through this; to strengthen and encourage me to keep on.
I still don’t understand, or fully see, why. But God is there, writing my story, page by page, line by line, minute by minute. I don’t know how it will turn out, but I know that if God holds the pen, it will be the best life for me.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
“Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.” Philippians 1:6