Focus

This is what the year in review looks like for me.

It looked like loss and grief.

It started in March when things started shutting down due to quarantine. I suffered the loss of my life as I knew it. On Friday, the 13^th, the world stopped. My children didn’t walk back into a school building for the rest of the school year. My gym, bible study, church, stores…everything closed. Even though the grocery stores didn’t close, they had a very limited stock. There was grief over the convenience of having whatever we needed at our fingertips.  We had to find a new routine, a new way to do life….at home. I also grieved helping with the Children’s Choir at church….a place where I was finally feeling like I could belong. Church was shut down, we could not meet.

April was the biggest loss of them all. I suffered the loss of my husband. He was my soul mate, best friend, and so much more.

In May, I was grieving the love and appreciation that a father gives the mother of his children. The girls and others tried, but it just wasn’t the same.

June I was grieving the first birthday event without him, as our oldest turned a year older. There was also the grief of the first Father’s day without my husband, and the first road trip to see family without him. I think the biggest was the grief of our missed wedding anniversary. It would have been 15 years. I grieved the loss of the would have/should have been’s. So many plans stopped dead in their tracks.

August came with a whole new level of grief as I started planning the first of 2 memorial services. I grieved normalcy for my kids, as the start of school was delayed for them while they figured out how to do it safely. Once a decision was made, it was still no where near what normal looks like. Church started back up that month, but again, I grieved the loss of what church would normally look like. New restrictions and requirements made things different. The bible study I am a part of started meeting again, but virtually. More loss, more grief. Things were definitely not the same.

September drew in more grief as I had the second service for my late husband. It also marked the start of trying to cram months worth of missed appointments into two days each week. Children’s Choir was still not allowed to start back up. More loss of normalcy.

In October, I grieved my health as a routine eye appointment led to tests to confirm my glaucoma had gotten worse. Another adjustment to routine and more change.

November was a big month of grief. Our youngest had a birthday, my late husband would have had a birthday, and Thanksgiving.

December we were grieving the loss of the holiday spirit. We tried the best we could, but it was just different without him. I grieved the loss of what the Christmas service would normally look like at church. It was sad not having the kids on stage singing praise to the new born King.

New Years brought grief as the date changed, and I had to leave the last year that my beloved was ever in, behind me.

It also looked like joy and gratitude, amongst the grief.

March we learned to be thankful for what we have. We became thankful for our freedoms.

April I became very grateful for my friends and family. They became my support system and loved me well through everything. The cards poured in, messages, and meals.

In May there was more gratitude as those who love me tried to make me feel seen and appreciated on Mother’s Day. There was joy when we went on a girls trip to the beach with friends.

June and July brought joy as I was able to celebrate our oldest child’s birthday. I also reconnected with old friends, and new, in my hometown and spent some time with them.

August there was joy with school starting. Even though it looked different, there was a little bit of normalcy returning to our lives. A little ray of sunshine. My friends also went out of their way to make me feel loved on my birthday, pampering me and treating me to dinner. Church started back up. Even though it looked different, I was joyful and thankful that we were back together worshiping again.

In September, a friend flew halfway across the country to honor my late husband at the service we had. Gratitude. I also had lunches and dinner with friends who were concerned about me. Joy and gratitude for their friendships.

November brought joy as I watched our youngest be celebrated for her birthday. She also graduated out of speech therapy, which was a huge joy for both of us. It brought gratitude as I was thankful for the family and friends who were in my life, being my support system, grieving with me, and making sure I was taken care of. I also made a big step in healing as I put a contract down to build a house of my own.

December was full of joy as we prepared for Christmas. The holiday lights this year were amazing around town. Watching my children open up their presents made my heart happy.

New Years was joyful as I was ready to leave the hardest year of my life behind me, looking forward to what the new year would bring.

Reflecting on the year is tricky. Depending on what you focus on, depends on how you see your year. I could say that the year was nothing but horrible, but then I would be minimalizing all the laughs and small moments of sunshine that gave the year joy and happiness. And that just wouldn’t be fair.

So the question is……what does YOUR year in review REALLY look like? What are you choosing to focus on?

I don’t know about you, but I choose Joy.